Aren’t we all just conditioned to remember dates? Birthdays-anniversaries-national holidays-insurance payments-deadlines-the first pay check-and in some women’s case, the day they biologically stepped into womanhood warrants committing to memory too. Dates we memorised in order to clear our history exams in school still loom in the corners of our mind long into adulthood, there’s no hope then in forgetting dates from our own life’s history as much one can hope and pray that a few events could be forgotten. A decade later there are days of complete clarity when I see my blessings in crystal clear light and then there are days when I’m left grappling trying to make sense of my marriage, subsequent divorce and all the sadness it brought in its wake. My life, my family, my very soul has been permanently altered by those 3 horrible years and I am very grateful that we atleast came out of all that mess with enough strength to re-build.
I’ve made peace with so much and have acknowledged that the past cannot be changed, have chosen to forgive people for things that should never have been, found within myself strength that I did not know existed and eventually one day found myself at peace. It’s like Beavs once wrote in a mail “My dear, you handled the worst part of it all alone and now you are already doing better. Give it some more time and I promise you will be perfect”.
A decade ago – the newly married girl travelling to the U.S had very few accomplishments to take pride in, I had a sense of self that was extremely unsure, there was so much certainty and stupidity when it came to emotions, I didn’t have a career nor money in the bank and just a year and a half later found myself at 24 years of age back at my parents home battling depression, looking at a future filled with a million what-will-I-do’s, hating the person who had brought me to such a reduced state, hating myself for being in such a reduced state and dealing with a huge pile of shattered dreams and unfulfilled wishes from a future that never came to pass in reality.
But after all this time has passed, I can say this for sure – my divorce has been the most crippling and the most liberating incident at the same time and if it wouldn’t have happened I would never have built the life that I so value today.
A couple of months ago, I was rudely brought face to face with the memory of life and events from my past which ended up in sending me into a complete downward spiral, that eventually I was left with no choice but to seek help in order to confront the past and accept it for what it is. That being said, I have moved forward, forged new and happy memories, discovered that friends who stand by you in pain are worth a million who just join you on a Friday night, learnt to love again, pieced some of those broken wishes back together and seen a lot of them come true, lived to see and experience so much of the world, seen myself become somebody, worn my scars with pride and as Ab once said – written one hellofa comeback story.
But I am only human and I do miss that pretty house on the golf course sometimes and I could definitely use drink or two right about now. Ufffff!!!!